The Odd Life Of Timothy Green

Last week, Anna and I went to the movies.  She picked.  I wanted to see Diary of a Wimpy Kid.  She wanted to see The Odd Life of Timothy Green.  I knew the premise of the movie but I wasn't sure exactly how upset it would make me.  The opening of scene of the movie had a doctor telling the couple that they can't have kids.  The tears start.  And, I mean, it's almost to the point where I'm ready to ugly cry.  They morn the loss of having kids in the movie.  And, then, one night, Timothy Green comes into their lives, but only for a season.  After Timothy leaves, they decide that they need to try adoption instead.  Again with the tears. 

I've said that this past miscarriage has been the hardest.  I'm still very sad.  I have a hard time singing certain songs in church, walking past the baby section in Target, and seeing pregnant women.  Sometimes it just hits me out of now where.  And, yet, things have happened that make me more certain than ever that we just need to adopt.  Even seeing the movie the other day was like another check mark in the pros/cons list of why to adopt a foster child.  People offer up solutions like it could be hormones or a bacteria.  And all of that sounds like an easy fix and yet, I just don't think I can do it anymore.  I've been so emotionally invested in this for so long and most people don't seem to understand what a struggle like this with infertility is like, how it drains you and makes you feel.  To have losses is one thing but loss in combination with infertility is just too much for me to do again. 

So where does that leave me?  Well, today's sermon hit home BIG TIME.  It was about BOLD prayer and so I guess that's where I am.  I want to have another child in our home by NEXT summer.  That's my bold prayer.  I'm trying really hard to see all of these events, yes, even the little ones like Anna wanting to go see a movie about adoption and infertility, as proof that it's God's will that we adopt.  In my head, I know that all these things have been adding up to this point--- God has been showing us another way to grow our family---but my heart needs some time to catch up.  We've been singing "You Hold Me Now" a lot in church and usually I can't make it through without crying.  In my head, I know that if God can conquer death, He can certainly help us adopt some kids who NEED love but my heart wants it needs to catch up.  I think it's getting there...slowly.  At the end of tonight's sermon, Stu had people stand if they had medical conditions so we could boldly pray for those people.  I didn't stand.  Reed looked at me like I should and I know that's still what he wants- for me to have a baby the "normal" way but I just don't think that's His will.  In fact, I'm almost certain it isn't.