So. What's next?

I've been thinking about blogging for awhile but I just keep putting it off.  I was going to write a blog about how well Anna did this past year on her assessments and what a blessing homeschooling is for us because of how she's grown.  I was going to write about dance recitals and being a dance mom.  I was going to write about all our spring activities.  I was going to write about my amazing jobs and the awesome kids I watch.  But, I just couldn't get it out.  I'd start and then stop.  But, I haven't updated since I told you about the miscarriage and there has been so much that has changed...and some that hasn't changed at all.

As of last week, I was still officially pregnant.  They are having me come in once a week to see if my hormone levels have returned to 0 yet.  It has been the most frustrating part of this process.  I have to go in again tomorrow and I am praying they are FINALLY back to 0!  We can't take any other steps until they are back to 0.  It's extremely inconvenient because I have to be at Langley by 7:30 a.m. and that means that Kristi has to take the boys to work and I have to pick them up there.  It's been since Memorial Day when this process started and this is definitely the longest it's taken for my body to return to normal.  I'm done.  I'm over it in a big way.  So, I am REALLY hopeful that we can move forward after tomorrow!

But, how are we going to get to our final destination?  I am more certain than ever that I am done trying to have a baby.  I've spent the last couple of weeks thinking about our future as a family.  When this all started, all I knew is that i wanted another child- that our family wasn't complete.  Well, the further we get from when I really miscarried, the more certain I am that I can't go through it again.  I think I'll still do testing in case it's something that can cause health issues.  If they tell me that it's an easy fix, I might start trying again.  But, with time, the more certain I am that I really want to have foster children and to add to our family via adoption- specifically adopting a foster child (or 2). I feel like I've been in a 10 year war and I have yet to win a battle. 

There are a couple of things that hold me back.  I really want to be able to NAME our child and I also really would love to have a baby under the age of 1.  That's not impossible when adopting through foster care but I do think it's not as likely.  It's more likely to happen in the case of siblings and that's why I might take more than 1 child.  We have a boy name that is pretty meaningful to us and it would mean the world to me to be able to name our son "Trenton Ray" (the name of the ship Reed was on when we met and my dad's middle name and the name he goes by).  I know that should be a minor hang up but it probably is the biggest issue I have with not having my own child.

The thought of falling in love with a child and having to give it up also worries me.  I think I can do it.  I do it every day with the kiddos I watch but I still get to see them and probably would even if they didn't need me to watch them anymore.  It's not a big enough fear to keep me from doing it but it is a concern. 

We also have a "to-do list" a mile long before we have a home study done.  I know they don't expect perfection but they have to have a place to lay their head(s) when they get here.  So we've got to get some things re-arranged and that means adding other projects to the list so that we can re-arrange. I've put us on a timeline of sorts.  I want to be working towards a home study shortly after school starts. 

I also have a list of questions a mile long and a list of concerns about the kinds of kids we will have in our home.  Will the foster child(ren) be able to stay with my parents or only with respite care people?  How long will adoption take?  And, there's lots more.  And, first and foremost, I have to make certain that Anna is safe so my list of what kinds of kids we'll have here is pretty specific. 

So... that's all the BAD stuff.  But, the good stuff is that I know God is in control.  I feel at peace with how we can grow our family.  I have this odd sense of relief and sadness that I won't carry another baby.  Relief that the war is over but sadness that I'll never feel hiccups from the inside again.  We have the room to have 1-2 more kids.  And, most importantly, I keep thinking that there is a reason that I won't be working much at all during the day next year.  I wonder why and yet I can only think that it's because I will be needed during the day.  I will have time to get to appointments, therapy sessions, and have home visits.  I feel more confident that this is what we're meant to do almost daily.