Well, it's been awhile. For the most part, life has been good. We've been blessed beyond measure and I am trying to focus on those things. But, I'm not going to lie. This past week was ROUGH. Here's what went down...
On Wednesday, March 23rd, I got a + pregnancy test. For most people who have been trying for 10 years to have a baby, that would be such an awesome exciting time. But, for me, it brought FEAR. I took the test early in the morning and sent the picture to Reed. He leaves before the crack of dawn so there was no way I was getting up before he left. I thought I was seeing things. I let Anna look at the picture. I sent the picture to Kristi. Anna and Kristi agree that it looked like a + test result. WOW. Thankfully, Tyler goes to school with Jack who's mom is Kelly-- THE midwife who had helped me through my last miscarriage. It was preschool graduation day so I stuck around to help my mom and Tab finish getting stuff ready. Kelly didn't drop Jack off that day but I knew she'd be there for graduation. I talked to her in a blubbering mess of tears. Of course, my mom catches me crying so I have to tell her what's going on which means that I have to tell Tab...and well, everyone else too. Kelly's advice was to remain calm and to be excited not stressed. I tried really hard to follow her advice. I felt sick which was awesome. I was excited about EVERY pregnancy symptom I felt.
Unfortunately, that night, I started spotting. I wasn't overly concerned at first. The spotting was very light. But, we decided that I should still be seen. I had the boys and Hazel on Thursday so I knew that it wasn't going to happen then. We went in on Friday and because it was a holiday weekend, I had to go to the ER at Langley. She did blood tests and an ultrasound but didn't find anything. She wasn't extremely concerned. She said it was early, according to my hormone levels and that at that point, we just couldn't know which way the pregnancy was going to go.
I had hope. I felt at peace.
Then I went to get more blood drawn on Sunday. And it felt like AGES until someone called me on Tuesday. I was really hoping for great news! My hormone levels should have doubled. But they didn't. In fact, they went down by 2 points.
Then things got really crazy. When they did finally call me in, they wanted more blood. My levels had gone up again but still not like they should. Friday's level was 118, Sunday's 116 and Tuesday's was 157. Things got a little crazy at that point. They told me that they feared I had an ectopic pregnancy and that they needed to to an ultrasound ASAP. I had Anna and Hazel with me at Langley so I tried to fight them on it but they wouldn't listen. After the ultrasound, I tried to leave again but they wouldn't until I had seen the doctor. When she finally came in, she told me that they were pretty sure it was an ectopic pregnancy. They had see something on an ovary that they couldn't rule out although it was probably in a tube and they just couldn't see it yet. She tried to send me back to the lab for more blood work so that I could find out if I could take the medicine that stops cell growth (stops baby growth so my body could absorb the baby) and avoid surgery. I told her that I could NOT do that today. I had a child that needed to get to her mother! So, she made me promise to come back in. And I did. We talked for a few minutes about miscarriage and some other things. She said that because of my age (did you know that 35 is advanced maternal age?) and my history that she would do a work up so we can figure out what's going on.
I went back on Wednesday and got my lab work done and then waited. And waited. And waited. Finally I got 2 shots in the rear. It was probably right on time as I started to feel uncomfortable on Tuesday night. The doctor and I talked a bit more about this big huge mess, about tests they'll run and about the future of my fertility. That's a scary topic. I was very blunt with her. I told her that I can't do this again. And, I don't think that I can. Once you've had an ectopic pregnancy, you're more likely to have another.
I don't want to have another miscarriage (or worse- ectopic pregnancy). If we can't fine a "fixable" problem, I think I may be done. That has been really hard to come to that reality. I don't feel like God is done with our family and that makes this even harder. I KNOW I have more love to give a child. I'm sad that the biggest reason I had gastric bypass so that I could have a healthy pregnancy and now...that may not be possible. That's a tough pill to swallow. Trust me, I know that there are so many other reasons why it was good that I got healthy. But, my deciding factor was when Reed told me that he wanted more children. And, now I'm facing the possibility that it may never happen for us. I cried. I cried all night Wednesday. I could hardly stop crying. It's more than the loss of the baby. It's the loss of the possibility of having another baby that makes me so incredibly sad. I'm not giving up yet. Like I said, I know that God isn't done with our family. I know that we will somehow add to our family. And, if we had unlimited funds, I'd hire someone to carry our baby in a heartbeat but since that isn't an option for us, we'll just have to look at kids that really need love. HERE. In this country. I've never felt the call to adopt for a foreign country. Not when so many here are in need of good homes.
Basically, I don't know where we're going. I know God's in control. I know that in some way, He'll add to our family. I know that this crazy 'trying to get pregnant' thing may be coming to an end. I wish I knew more but I don't. I hate not having the answers. But, I'm going to just try to hang on for the ride.
1 comment:
I'm so sorry, Toni! Wish I could do something to help...I hope that something works out for you soon!
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